I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
