I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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