Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
