I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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