I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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