News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Enjoy the penises
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
