Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
