flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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