OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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