my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
