Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
