Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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