I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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