"it" just moved
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
