How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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