I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Randomize
