Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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