sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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