ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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