every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
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