i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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