So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
