I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
