i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
