i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
