I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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