foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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