Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
