dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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