I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
