i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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