she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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