Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
