at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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