i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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