Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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