A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
