Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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