Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I wish there were birth control emojis
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
