Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
