i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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