i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
