When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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