I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i believe in u and ur pee
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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