I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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