I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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