the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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