I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
