While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
