it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
