he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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