made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
