Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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