Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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