I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
