remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
