I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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