Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
